


"You are my answer."

by sb_essebi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bonding, First Kiss, First Time, Jim was depressed in TMP you can't change my mind, M/M, Mind Meld, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Star Trek I: The Motion Picture, set immediately after TMP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:22:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21615994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sb_essebi/pseuds/sb_essebi
Summary: After the events of The Motion Picture, Spock is ready to fully confront his feelings for Jim.Written for the OMS Challenge 2019 by @plaidshirtjimkirk.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 26
Kudos: 254
Collections: Old Married Spirk





	"You are my answer."

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, this was a wild ride. I had a much longer and more ambitious thing planned, but university has been hectic so I decided to write something small... and then this monster of a one-shot happened. I have no idea what happened but I sure hope you enjoy it!

“Will you join me in my quarters, Mister Spock?” Jim asked him as the turbolift doors closed in front of them.

“Gladly, Jim.”

Jim smiled, though it only partially reached his eyes. Spock had already noticed this earlier, together with other minute changes in Jim’s behaviour and an increased aggressiveness and anxiety. Jim’s stay planetside had clearly had a negative impact on his mental health. This only made Spock more determined to show Jim the intensity of his feelings and his readiness to finally, fully accept them, act on them.

Jim looked away, wringing his hands, then looked back at Spock before getting off the lift.

Spock followed him into his quarters, stopping just inside, anticipation and determination filling him with restlessness, Jim not two steps ahead of him.

After a moment, Jim turned to face him. There was incredulity in Jim’s eyes, as though he couldn’t believe that Spock was there. Stepping closer, Jim gently placed his hands on Spock’s biceps.

“Spock.” Jim took a deep breath. His eyes roamed Spock’s figure from his face to his feet, then back up. “Will you stay, then?”

Spock thought of their conversation in Sickbay and of their brief mental contact.

_“This… simple feeling… is beyond V’Ger’s comprehension.”_

Spock had poured all his love, all his regret, the full force of his desire to make amends and be worthy of Jim’s affections into Jim’s mind in a firm and steady current.

_‘I should have known. Will you forgive me?’_

Jim had nodded. _‘Does this mean--?’_

Spock had nodded in turn. _‘ **Yes**.’_

_“No meaning... no hope... and- **Jim**. No answers.”_

“My place is at your side, Jim.” He gripped Jim’s shoulders reassuringly, projecting the strength of his resolve. Jim closed his eyes, bowing his head as he inhaled shakily. “ _You_ are my answer, Jim. All of my answers. I regret I could not see it sooner. I was foolish, and frightened. But, _Jim_. It is _you_ that I need. I _will_ stay, in whatever capacity you will allow.”

Jim’s hold on Spock’s arms tightened, then loosened. His eyes were bright and hopeful. He licked his lips, and Spock could not look away from them.

“ _Spock_.”

Spock’s shields, his control, were weak. They crumbled instantly in the wake of that softly-spoken word. Unthinkingly, he pressed his lips to Jim’s.

He shivered. Soft, cool. Pleasant. How could he have thought that logic alone could sustain him? _T’hy’la!_ He was touching Jim, and it was wonderful. He smiled against Jim’s lips, and what a wondrous sensation that was! His chest felt warm and full with it, with the tenderness of this, and just as he realized that he did not know how to proceed, Jim’s large hands moved to cradle his face and pulled him in fiercely, kissing him hard.

Spock felt Jim’s sharp intake of breath, his fingers splaying on his cheeks. He was kissed thoroughly, passionately, stunned by Jim’s affection and desperation flooding his mind, with Jim angling his face this way and that as if determined to try every angle and fit of their lips, and Spock soon felt the hot tendrils of arousal shoot down his spine, his blood begin to burn. He did not feel ashamed. He was… happy. He smiled again into the kiss.

Their noses were pressed into each other’s cheek. Such an odd feeling, yet part of this. Part of Jim. Spock wanted it. He pressed back against Jim, elated, mindless of what thoughts bled into Jim’s mind. He tried to copy Jim’s movements, to match them. He found his hands were on the back of Jim’s shoulders and he was glad of it. How he had longed to touch Jim’s muscular form, so heatedly coveted from afar! He pulled Jim closer and gasped when they collided softly, chest to chest, thigh to thigh.

Jim’s kisses changed, became lingering pecks in between little gasps and sighs, and his thumbs started tracing Spock’s cheekbones back and forth ever-so-tenderly. Spock felt his skin burn hot under that sweet caress and knew he must be flushing, his skin tingling with want. He wanted. Yes, _he wanted_. He had wanted for a very long time. How liberating to finally acknowledge it! He let one of his hands find Jim’s neck, his hair, soft and perfect under Spock’s fingers. Jim moaned softly and broke the kiss. Spock ached to hear him make that sound again. Jim inhaled deeply, pressing his nose against Spock’s neck.

“My God, Spock.”

Every one of Spock’s cells seemed to shiver individually. The feel of Jim’s lips and his breath on his throat was incensing.

“ _Jim_.”

“I missed you. I missed you so goddamn much.”

His voice was a broken whisper. Spock had rarely seen his Captain so vulnerable. It made Spock’s heart sink, knowing he was the cause of Jim’s grief, but at least he was there now to try and fix his mistakes. At least Jim understood that Spock wanted things back the way they were before, when Jim could show weakness, knowing Spock would not judge him, would support him.

He wrapped his arms around Jim and held him close. Closer. Jim embraced him tightly, burying his nose into Spock’s shoulder, and digging his fingers in. Spock only held him tighter, brushing his lips to the side of his head in a feather-light kiss, marvelling at the heavenly feel and clean scent of Jim’s hair.

“I regret ever leaving your side,” he said softly. “Taluhk nash-veh k’dular. I cherish thee, Jim.”

Jim lifted his head to look Spock in the eyes.

“I love you. I love you too. I wish I’d made it clearer. I was trying to go slow. I didn’t want to frighten you.”

“You did not. It was the intensity of my own feelings for you that frightened me. I believed I would lose sight of logic because of it. Additionally, I could not imagine that you would forge a life-long bond with me when none of your love interests had ever compared to the Enterprise. I—Perhaps, most of all, I was terrified of rejection, or worse, that you might want me for a time but eventually tire of me.”

“Spock. I don’t blame you. God knows I have my fair share of… irrational insecurities, but, Spock, I- the Enterprise means nothing to me without you.” Spock’s eyebrows rose as he stared at Jim. “You know why I accepted that blasted promotion?” Spock shook his head minutely. Truly, he had no idea. As far as he was concerned, Jim’s place was on the Enterprise. “I couldn’t stand to be on that ship without you there. Everything reminded me of you. I kept forgetting you weren’t there. Turned to see you at your station, came to find you in the labs on in your quarters, kept expecting you to hand me a PADD, asking you for tricorder readings. But you weren’t there. You should’ve seen how they looked at me, my crew! My crew, pitying me.” He sighed loudly, trying to calm himself. “And then, when I came back and saw her again yesterday, after two and a half years, I was… happy, yes, but you still weren’t there. And I couldn’t stop thinking that you should’ve been. Should’ve been with me. Spock…” He shook his head, eyes bright. “You are more important. More important than _anything_. You changed my life, Spock. I had the best ship in the ‘Fleet, the best crew in the ‘Fleet, but I wasn’t happy. She sucked the life out of me. Meeting you, falling in love with you… it changed everything, Spock. I was so alone, and you made all the loneliness go away. All the fear. You made all the pain and death and tragedy out there worth it. You gave meaning to all the good things, because you shared them with me.”

Jim wiped the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. He swallowed, hard.

Spock was almost at a loss for words. _He_ was the cause of what he suspected to be some form of depression Jim seemed to be experiencing. In his insecurity, he had grossly underestimated the depth of Jim’s feelings. Even after his meld with V’Ger and recognizing he could never have followed solely the path of logic, he had not understood the extent to which Jim had suffered, even after acknowledging that the strength of Jim’s love might nearly match his. The sudden realization that Jim did not simply love him, but did so just as achingly and desperately as Spock did him, if not more, was arresting. Overwhelming. He abruptly felt mind-numbingly unworthy.

“ _Jim_. I caused you such pain. I did not realize. How could you ever forgive me?”

Jim smiled, a guarded, hopeful thing that made Spock’s chest constrict.

“I forgave you the moment you took my hand. There’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive you. When I felt all that love flowing through me… that was all that mattered to me. It _is_ all that matters.”

Humbled and breathless from such a declaration, Spock sought Jim’s left hand with his right and joined their fingers in the _ozh’esta_ , stroking Jim’s fingers with his and letting the love he didn’t trust himself to voice pour through.

“What’s that?” Jim asked gently.

Spock simply kissed him on the lips and Jim smiled, understanding. Spock moved their hands to be palm to palm, middle and ring finger parted, sighing at the feel of their minds sliding closer together with that much more intimate gesture.

“I’ve missed…” Jim began, “I’ve missed your mind. That link we have, I couldn’t feel it when you were on Vulcan. Or here, until you took my hand earlier.”

“I was shielding. I came to you because I heard you. As soon as I allowed myself to think of you, I felt your katra call to mine across the galaxy. Our bond is exceptionally strong, _t’hy’la_.”

“ _T’hy’la_? What’s that mean?”

“It is a revered bond among my people, so rare it is almost legendary. Two minds so compatible they cannot be apart. A bond that forms spontaneously and can link minds across immeasurable distances.”

“How long have you known?”

“My… my Time.” Jim nodded in understanding. “I was certain that I had felt the bond be torn apart -a psychosomatic reaction, I assume- and knew it for what it was. A _t’hy’la_ bond. I was unlikely to survive its loss, and I told T’Pau as much.”

“She knows?”

“Indeed. It is why she did not pursue your faking your death, and why I have not been betrothed to another.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed.

“Spock, does your whole family think we’re an item?”

“The entirety of my clan, most likely,” Spock admitted, looking down.

Jim cupped his cheeks and forced him to look into his eyes again. While Jim was frowning, there was mirth in his gaze.

“You are… _infuriating_.” He kissed Spock on the lips, long and tender. “You beautiful… _devious_ Vulcan.” Jim smiled, then swallowed hard as he traced one of Spock’s cheekbones with his thumb. “Guess I’ll just have to make an honest man out of you, now.”

“Jim?”

“Please, Spock. Stay. Stay with me. Forever.”

“Yes,” Spock replied breathlessly, mind emptied of any rational thought. Jim grinned brightly, fully, wrapped his arms around Spock and pulled him close, leaning in for a kiss. Spock stopped him then, placing his hands on Jim’s chest. “Jim. There is the issue… of my Time.”

“Spock. I was ready to die to save your life. You think I’m not ready for the… _much_ more appealing alternative?” 

There was a spark of mischief in Jim’s eyes, and Spock blushed hotly, his blood roaring in his ears.

Jim smiled.

“Look at you. You’re gorgeous.”

A kiss on Spock’s lips. Another smile. Another kiss, Jim’s hand burying itself in Spock’s hair. He shivered at that, gasped when Jim scratched lightly at the back of his head and wrapped his free arm around Spock.

Jim slipped his tongue inside Spock’s mouth, and he gladly welcomed it, moaning softly as Jim explored his mouth unhurriedly but insistently, pressing his body against him.

One kiss melted into another, and another, and Spock lost all sense of reality as Jim’s hands explored his spine and threaded through his hair with questing caresses, as he dared do the same, learning the feel of Jim’s curls and of the round and full muscles of his arms and shoulders that Spock had longed for for years.

Finding a pointed ear, Jim’s nails scraped along its shell, making Spock break the kiss to fight for breath. Jim thumbed the tip of his ear, massaged behind it with his fingers.

“Sensitive?” he murmured before kissing the corner of Spock’s mouth, his jaw, kissing a trail up to Spock’s earlobe and sucking it into his mouth.

Spock moaned helplessly, hands grasping Jim’s hair and shirt tightly, instinctively trying to keep him close as Jim sucked hard on his earlobe and tongued it thoroughly, then lavished the shell of his ear with attention, pride and want coming off of him in waves at every overwhelmed little sound Spock made.

Moving to the other ear after kissing the tip of the first, Jim shoved a thigh against Spock’s crotch. Spock’s genital slit was already parted around his erection as he lengthened and hardened frighteningly fast, pliant under Jim’s touches, feeling lightheaded when Jim rubbed his thigh against him, breathless with pleasure even as his undergarments plastered themselves against his lubricated skin. He staggered backwards half a step, grabbing Jim’s shoulder for balance.

“Let me take you to bed.”

Gasping, head spinning, Spock could not answer, only able to tilt his head back to allow free access to Jim, who began to leave the faintest marks by sucking oh-so-gently a line of kisses up Spock’s neck. He kissed his pulse point, his chin, his lips, then stilled, settling his hands on Spock’s hips, waiting patiently for Spock to recover some semblance of control.

“Jim,” he started, “I- that is- I have never-“

Jim raised his eyebrows, but smiled, slow and sweet and awed.

“Would you like to?” he asked, and although his tone was gentle there was naked desire in his voice, in his heated gaze, in his flushed cheeks and in the restlessness of his fingers on Spock’s hips, and his simple question sounded to Spock like the most tantalizing temptation.

Spock nodded, not trusting his words for a moment. He watched Jim smile.

“I’m honoured, Mister Spock,” he said earnestly.

“Jim. Should we join I-- I would be powerless to stop myself from bonding with you fully.”

Jim’s smile widened. He pressed his forehead to Spock’s, his delight shining through their link.

“ _Good_. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jim kissed him again, and together they somehow made their way to the bedroom, only breaking the kiss when Jim pulled Spock’s uniform shirt over his head.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jim pulled Spock onto his lap, knees either side of Jim. They moaned against each other’s lips when Spock sat cautiously on Jim’s thighs and felt a matching erection against his, his eyes falling shut at the feel.

Jim got rid of Spock’s undershirt, throwing it to the side, leaning back slightly to –Spock realized belatedly- admire the expanse of skin that was revealed.

“Beautiful,” he breathed.

Goosebumps bloomed all over Spock’s skin with the praise, the cool air of the room, Jim’s warm palms reverently settling themselves on his pectorals, feeling out the dark hair there. Jim hummed contentedly, approval seeping through the bond and making Spock squirm in Jim’s lap, increasingly aware of Jim’s erection against his, just the thought of which made Spock feel faint with want.

Curious fingers curled themselves into his chest hair, thumbs finding his nipples and stroking them, thumbnails scratching them lightly when Spock did not react, then harder, digging in until he gasped. Smiling, Jim kissed him. He ran his hands appreciatively down Spock’s arms, took both his hands and laced their fingers together.

“Sensitive?” he asked again when Spock shuddered.

Spock shook his head.

“No more than yours. The cultural significance however… makes it much more—stirring.”

“Hmm.”

Jim moved his hands experimentally, so that both their palms and their fingers rubbed together, sparking pleasure all along Spock’s arms that ran straight down his spine. He involuntarily rutted against Jim’s front and moaned at the feeling. Struggling to breathe, he did it again, and again, and his body kept going in spite of him, but Spock was not frightened. It felt _wondrous_.

He relinquished his hold on Jim’s hands to wrap his hands around his neck and bury his face there, muffling his cries of pleasure. Jim smelled marvellous, of ocean sand and sunlight and ancient paper. Jim then cupped his backside firmly, squeezing, encouraging him and grinding up into him, and Spock keened for him, reeling, hips jerking, arching his back fully into the motion.

Jim pulled back a little, slipped a hand between them to palm the bulge in Spock’s pants, stroking purposefully. Spock felt the pleasure whip through him so fast and sharp it startled him, and he stopped moving even as he nearly shouted for how good it felt.

“Spock.”

Jim’s voice shocked him into jerkily meeting his eyes. He felt dizzy, and he was breathing hard, his thighs shaking with tension. He distinctly felt a rush of lubrication seep from the length of his erection. Jim swallowed.

“I can feel you. You’re so close. _God_ , you feel incredible.”

Spock became aware that his ears were stinging with a blush. Jim traced a single finger up Spock’s aching member, making Spock buck his hips into the touch and whine.

Jim’s grin was wide and smug, but his voice was lust-rough.

“Do you want me to take care of this?” Jim asked, brushing his fingers torturously lightly over him.

“Ji- _Jim_. _Please_.”

Spock gulped in a breath, feeling dangerously, delightfully out of control.

Jim hummed thoughtfully, and Spock could hear the smile in his voice.

Spock almost didn’t feel his pants being unfastened, focused as he was on the throbbing, scalding feeling of his blood in his penis reverberating up his spine. What he did feel was the hand that Jim snaked below the waistband of his underwear, that he used to carefully peel said underwear off his slick erection and that he wrapped blessedly around him, giving him an experimental tug and making his eyes nearly roll back into his skull as he moaned brokenly.

“You’re so wet.” Spock could only shake, unable to focus. “Lie down for me. Let me undress you.”

Spock wavered, dazed and struggling to even locate the bed, then found he was being lifted slightly and being turned around and laid down with great care on Jim’s bed, a cool, soft pillow below his head.

Blinking rapidly, he saw Jim taking off his own boots and socks. Spock’s followed, then his pants and underwear, and Jim climbed on the bed with him, meeting him for a lingering kiss as Spock instinctively parted his legs to welcome Jim between them.

Sitting back on his heels, Jim ran his gaze over every inch of him, his hands lightly exploring Spock’s legs, his sides, tracing his hipbones, eyes dark and heated. If Spock could have blushed more, he would have.

“Gorgeous. Absolutely perfect,” was the awed verdict.

Spock shivered, Jim’s praise a powerful drug.

Jim discarded his shirt and leaned down to kiss him, fierce and passionate. Spock melted into it, dazedly trying to keep up, hands hurriedly going to map Jim’s round and full pectorals that had been the subject of many hastily-repressed fantasies, his smooth back, his muscular arms. So alien to Spock, hairless and with such curves and volume to his muscles, so unlike the dense, thin Vulcan ones.

Jim shifted, holding himself up on one hand to let the other sneak between them and brush Spock’s genital slit, stretched wide by the base of his erection. He grasped Spock firmly, making him gasp and his length jump eagerly in response, and stroked him slowly. Moaning, Spock felt Jim’s arousal when more natural lubricant wetted his hand. Jim inhaled sharply against Spock’s neck, then lifted his head to briefly meet Spock’s eyes.

“Want you in my mouth.”

Spock could not describe the sound he made, only knew that it delighted Jim, whose cheeks burned and whose hips jerked. So much skin touching. Their minds had never been closer. Overwhelmed by Jim’s emotions, so dearly desired, washing over him like a warm, rich breeze Spock could do nothing but screw his eyes shut, hands falling to the mattress and tightly fisting the sheets. His hips rocked with the motions of Jim’s fingers wrapped tightly around his erection, thumb teasing the double ridges and the very tip of him, a small moan accompanying each one of his rapid exhales as Jim kissed a line down the thick trail of hair that connected his chest to the place between his legs.

Jim’s eagerness and his determination to make Spock feel good, combined with the burning of Spock’s blood were too much, and Spock lost track of the noises he made as Jim teased him to his heart’s content, sucking marks into the skin over Spock’s hipbones, stroking him with calculated slowness as though trying to drive him mad.

“Jim! _Please_ ,” he begged.

Jim’s mind was filled with amusement, satisfaction, with impressions and images of what he planned to do which Spock struggled to shy away from. Just the thought of Jim’s mouth on him, his tongue- _oh_! Spock cried out, hips lifting off the bed.

A chuckle. Two cool palms holding his hips still. The exasperating loss of sensation where he needed it desperately.

“There, there. Patience, Mister Spock.”

Multi-coloured spots danced behind his eyelids for how tightly they were shut. His thighs hurt with how tense they were. Jim’s voice sounded like something out of a dream.

Then, Spock felt the tight ring of Jim’s lips close exquisitely around him. He sat up instinctively a bit, grasping Jim’s shoulder while Jim’s tongue lapped at him with breath-taking enthusiasm.

“Oh, Jim. _Jim_.”

His eyes popped open. He _had_ to see this.

Darkened hazel irises were awaiting him. Spock felt Jim’s inner, triumphant smile as he sucked in earnest, moving one of Spock’s hands to his hair while keeping eye contact. Something snapped inside Spock. The pleasure was just too much, mounting fast, his heart hammering in his side and his blood roaring in his ears. He wanted-- he needed--

“Jim.”

He slid his hand from Jim’s hair to his meld points. Jim did not look away, only hummed deliciously around Spock, and that was it.

_Spock’s hot, hard, slick cock in his mouth. The helpless jerks of his hips. The naked, unabashed pleasure written all over his face._

“ _Jim!_ ”

Spock groaned his release, his body seizing up with the scorching, lightning-like pleasure that shot through him, an infinite second of perfection.

_Come, oddly tasteless but lots of it, filling his mouth._

Jim’s mouth opened wide, sticking his tongue out and pumping Spock fast and hard to milk every last drop from him.

_The blown pupils of those cholate-brown eyes. That wonderfully silky hair in disarray. The little shouts his Vulcan let out as he came._

Jim’s eyes closed serenely, Spock’s orgasm wetting his lips and chin.

_Spock’s pleasure, so harsh, so fulfilling. With the meld, he almost thought he’d come too. Jim’s heart swelled with pride._

Spock’s eyes fluttered shut. He was breathing hard, as though he had been holding his breath. He suddenly became aware of a thin layer of sweat cooling on his skin.

_Jim swallowed every drop, then set out to clean Spock up, licking every inch of his cock until he whimpered._

Spock shuddered, oversensitive. He let go of the meld, though they stayed connected through all the skin-to-skin contact and Spock’s shields that were blown to dust.

He opened his eyes to see Jim smile, and only then did Jim lick his lips and wipe them on the back of his hand. He let go of Spock only after placing a kiss to the tip of him. His member twitched. Spock inhaled sharply, letting himself fall back on the bed. He felt a deep, boneless sort of happiness that made him feel both full and empty. He smiled, luxuriating in Jim’s scent surrounding him.

“Looks like someone has enjoyed himself,” Jim commented, smiling tenderly, coming to lie on top of Spock, his arms crossed on his chest, their chins touching. His human weight was not excessively heavy to Spock, but it was grounding, reassuring.

Spock wrapped his arms around Jim and kissed him gently, parting his lips with his tongue, tasting the faint spice and bitterness of himself that Jim could not sense. A lash of possessiveness shot through him, and he wished he could have Jim again immediately.

“Good?” Jim asked smugly.

“Indeed,” he replied warmly, pushing waves of gratitude and satisfaction through their quickly strengthening bond. “Allow me to pleasure you also, _ashayam_.”

Spock felt the endearment fill Jim with warmth and affection. Jim smiled, kissed him chastely.

“I love you.”

“As I love thee, my Jim.”

How freeing, how wonderful to say it! Jim kissed him again, then Spock reluctantly let go of him to take hold of the waistband of his pants, feeling somewhat insecure due to his inexperience but determined to learn how to make him feel good.

“Can you… _go again_ , in a bit?”

Spock blinked, struggling to take in the question. His left eyebrow rose high towards his hairline. He had not even considered the possibility.

“I- yes. Yes.”

Jim hummed happily as he helped Spock hastily rid him of his pants.

“No rush, then,” he said, smiling sweetly.

He rose, throwing his pants to the side and quickly doing the same with his underwear. He climbed back on the bed, where Spock sat up to better look at him.

He shivered. He had seen Jim in various states of undress in the past, but it was so very different to see all that perfect, golden skin on display knowing that it was for him to stare at, for him to touch. Spock swallowed, hard. There was a lovely flush high on Jim’s cheeks, on those graceful round ears, and Spock knew that there was an equal, though green, blush on his own face as he let his gaze drop between Jim’s legs. He was only partially erect, and Spock was overcome by a sharp desire to see him fully aroused.

He reached out for him, just as Jim leaned back down to cover Spock’s body with his. Jim’s hand joined his, guiding, bracketing Spock’s so they could move as one. Spock felt a thrill run through him when he began touching Jim as they kissed unhurriedly, gasping against Jim’s lips when he felt him harden under his careful strokes, Jim’s thumb dragging his to gather the moisture at the tip to ease the motion.

Jim grunted softly, rocking his hips into Spock’s grip and tilting his head to kiss down Spock’s neck, his jawline, the hollow of his throat, his free hand playing with his hair, smoothing then ruffling then tangling. Spock could not stop himself from touching that hand too, placing his palm on the back of it and fitting his fingers between Jim’s. He felt worshipped, adored. It was almost too much, the deep sweep of Jim’s emotions over and inside his soul.

He hooked a leg around Jim just to have him that much closer and brushed their fingers together over and over by his head, unable now to resist the touch of that addictive, beautiful, dynamic mind even as Jim moved his other hand to delicately cup his testicles. So strange, how they were so exposed rather than hidden deep inside the body. He jumped a little in surprise when his touches, suggested by Jim’s hand, made them move and twitch eagerly.

Jim looked up, clearly entertained by Spock’s reaction.

“Fascinating,” Spock whispered nonetheless.

Jim laughed softly, making Spock’s blush burn a little more.

“I love you. I missed you so much.”

Spock squeezed his fingers firmly between his own and kissed him, trying to convey his affection through both mind and body.

“I cherish thee. Immensely so.”

Itching to do more, Spock firmed his grip on Jim, but his hand was pulled away. Smiling mischievously, Jim brought it to his mouth and licked a slow, wet stripe up Spock’s palm. Spock gasped exceedingly loud, while Jim returned Spock’s hand to his erection, humming in approval.

Feeling suddenly much closer to renewed arousal, Spock grinded his hips on Jim’s solid thigh, hissing at the friction it gave to the head of his member that just barely peeked between the sides of his slit. He smiled, thrumming with anticipation, and bent his head to try and kiss Jim’s neck.

Jim shivered, leaning against Spock's lips. Emboldened, Spock kissed that warming skin wherever he could reach, and Jim sighed in pleasure and moved to allow him to do as he liked. Curious, Spock dipped his head further to take a rosy nipple between his lips, licking it experimentally.

“ _Oh_ , Spock!”

Captivated, Spock began to suck lightly. The results were instantaneous. Spock revelled in the short, rousing sounds Jim let out, his hardness jumping in Spock’s hand and his thigh rutting down hard against Spock in retaliation. Delighted, Spock persisted, tormenting the small nub with his tongue and even touching his teeth to it while he gave Jim long, slow tugs and rocked against his thigh, relishing the feel of hardening gradually against that smooth skin, their spare hands exchanging frantic Vulcan kisses.

A little overwhelmed by the pleasure from his body and Jim’s mind, Spock barely had the brainpower to leave Jim’s nipple for its twin.

“ _Ah_! God, Spock, _your tongue_ -“

Jim was breathing hard into Spock’s hair, sparking goosebumps and small flashes of pleasure that fizzled down his spine.

Jim pulled Spock’s hand away once more, shifted, then wrapped his own hand around both of their erections. Spock groaned, his head falling back onto the pillow. He met Jim’s eyes. They were dark, eyelids heavy with want. His flush had darkened and cascaded down his neck and chest. Spock’s hips jerked hard into Jim’s grip. He would not easily forget this moment.

“Like this?” Jim asked, pumping lightly, swiping his thumb over Spock’s ridges.

Spock nodded hastily, a small needy sound leaving his mouth, incapable of stopping his hips from meeting Jim’s movements.

Jim tried to synchronize his thrusts with Spock’s, lying flush against him, and Spock laced his arms around him to keep him close, basking in the steady stream of pleasure rolling off Jim, the feeling bouncing back and forth between them. Jim pressed their foreheads together, their breaths quick, sharing the same air, trading heavy sighs.

Spock squirmed beneath Jim. He needed more. He wrapped his legs around Jim, shifted his back for leverage. Heat trickled down his spine, settling tight and aching behind the base of his erection.

“ _Ah! Jim_.”

“Tell me what you need, sweetheart.”

Jim’s free hand caressed the inside of his right thigh, to his knee, bending his leg more, then back up along the outside to stop on Spock’s backside, cupping his cheek and giving it a hearty squeeze. Spock yelped, and Jim grinned. Jim began massaging the area, hiding his carefree smile against Spock’s neck.

**_Finally_** _. All the times I stared at him, bending over that science station…_

All the times Jim had stood too close behind him, the images his mind always conjured up at the contact…

Jim’s hips bucked against his, a spike of lust coursing through the bond.

“ _Mister Spock_.” Awed and delighted.

“ _Jim_ , please, I _want_ -“

“Oh, you projected that alright, Mister.”

Jim sat up, letting go of Spock. Spock whined, high-pitched and pitiful, bereft and dizzy from the abrupt lack of Jim’s touches. A considerable amount of shame made its sudden reappearance.

Jim retrieved a bottle from a drawer, popped open the cap and squeezed some of the content onto his palm. Lubricant, Spock realized. He swallowed with anticipation.

After a quick kiss, Jim scooted down the bed, warming the lubricant between his hands. Spock braced himself on his elbows to watch him. Jim spread Spock’s knees wide apart, kissing along the inside of one, only lightly circling his hole with the pad of one finger. Spock grunted in frustration.

“How do I make you feel good?” was whispered hotly against his skin.

The question puzzled Spock. Somehow his body was adamantly certain that if only Jim would penetrate him, it would feel excellent. If only Jim would _hurry_ \-- then, Spock’s lust-diverted brain pieced together what Jim meant. His slowness to catch on was a significant source of shame also.

“Spock?”

“I- there are two glands, one on either side.”

“Alright. Talk to me, tell me how it feels.”

With that, Jim eased just the tip of his finger inside Spock.

“Odd.” Spock shifted, trying to get more of Jim. “ _Good_.” His breaths were loud, half-moans. “Please, Jim. More.”

The sensation was indeed strange, though addictive, and the kisses Jim laid on his thigh helped him focus on only the pleasure.

Jim was gentle and restrained in sliding his finger in and out, but Spock was far too eager to wait, and rocked into the motion, easily taking Jim’s finger to the last knuckle. He arched into the barely-there friction.

“ _Ah_! There, Jim, towards my front.” Jim curled his finger in immediately. “ _Yes_ ,” Spock hissed.

Spock’s eyes fell close, but he felt Jim smile against his thigh. Jim wound one arm around Spock, lifting his hips. Spock laid his head back onto the pillow. He felt Jim’s weight shift on the bed, then a slow lick up the length of his erection as a second finger teased his entrance and the first rubbed tiny circles against one of Spock’s glands.

Spock wriggled impatiently, and the tip of the second finger stretched his rim open. He frowned, grunting. It stung somewhat. Two fingers felt much larger than they looked, he thought idly.

“Take it easy, Spock, we’ve all the time in the world.”

The peace of mind that voicing that thought gave Jim was palpable, and it flowed freely though their link. Spock rested one hand in Jim’s hair, calmed by the feeling, and tried to breathe deeply while Jim sucked him zealously to distract him.

It worked soon enough, and Spock got lost in the sensation of Jim’s unrelenting mouth and that finger gradually making its way in alongside the first. Spock clenched hard around Jim, wanting to intensify the stimulating feel of fullness. Jim scissored his fingers slightly, trying and succeeding to stimulate both his glands. Spock cried out, loud and long.

Jim came up to kiss him, and moved so that their erections rubbed together perfectly. Spock wrapped his legs around Jim’s waist: it felt so _right_.

“Your… testes?” Jim asked, pointedly moving his fingers back and forth.

“They serve the purpose of - _oh!-_ of your human prostate also, I be-believe, _ah_ , _Jim!_ ”

“Good, sweetheart?” His voice was deep and husky. It made Spock shudder and rock down onto Jim’s fingers, upwards against his hardness, both their stomachs slick with his arousal. “You’re doing so well.”

Jim’s breath came quick and harsh by Spock’s ear, and Jim upped the pace of his fingers slightly. It felt marvellous.

Although Spock felt the rest of his body begin to tense up, his rim rapidly loosened around Jim’s touch, and he wanted more. He wanted _Jim_ , _now_ , and it was cathartic to admit it wholeheartedly. He blindly found Jim’s meld points.

“ _Jim_.” Just the tip of a third finger joined the others, only to check whether it hurt. “ _T’hy’la._ ”

Jim pulled back and added more lubrication. His slick hand covered Spock’s.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you?”

“I never wanted anything so much.” A corner of his mouth lifted. “Except maybe this.”

His hand left Spock’s to teasingly rub the head of his erection against Spock’s fluttering hole. Spock keened, throwing his head back, at the very end of his patience.

With the sweet music of a soft laugh, Jim entered him. Slowly and perfectly. They moaned in unison.

_So goddamn hot around him, clenching tight._

Jim buried his face into his neck. He was steel-hard. He filled Spock so _flawlessly_.

_His hips were twitching with the burning need to move. So much precome dribbling out of him._

Spock felt so full, so good. He wrapped his legs tighter around Jim’s waist and dug his heels into Jim’s backside, urging him on.

Jim began to move. Fast, long thrusts. Hard and deep. Time slowed down as Spock’s focus narrowed to Jim and only Jim and the edges of their katra fell into place and overlapped, erasing any distance between them.

_Ecstasy. They would last nothing at all: the feeling was too perfect. Human heartbeat wild against hairy chest. Murmured “ **Jim** ”s and “ **Spock** ”s and “ **Oh** ”s. The slap of skin against skin, so loud and arousing. Want-love-need-yesyes **yes**. Two hands meeting in a messy, desperate Vulcan kiss. The sighs becoming moans becoming shouts. Sweat covering their skin. _

_Vulcan eyes, dark, unfocused, heavy-lidded, drunk with pleasure. Adoring hazel ones, yearning to please, win over, keep, secure. Words might have been exchanged, it didn’t matter. They were one. Focussed only on one another. The silver-gold thread that linked them was there. They knew where to find it, how to grab it. Its loose strings exploded with a deafening crack into a tightly woven tapestry of a silk-soft water-fluid tissue._

_Whiplash-shock up his cock. Eyes snapping open._

“ _Spock!_ ”

_A bitten-off shout. Stilling deep within his mate as he filled him, a burning-tingling feeling all over his skin, head emptied._

Cool ejaculate inside him. Shaking apart with a wordless cry, eyes wide open and unseeing as he writhed in ecstasy, then melted into the mattress as he painted their chests with scalding semen, electric ripples scattering through him.

“ _Ji-im_.”

Pieces of reality rained around him. Jim’s pants heavy and irregular on his chin. The damp sheet beneath him. Wetness in him and on their chests and all over their sweaty bodies. Jim’s eyes blinking dazedly, sated and elated. He found he could not move, and did not care. His heart was not slowing down, thrumming in his side.

“T’hy’la…”

He had little voice left.

Jim swallowed, clearly in a similar predicament. He shifted, pulling out of Spock. They both whimpered at the loss. Spock felt emptiness there, but he had Jim’s soul to keep him full.

_‘So perfect. Look at you. All mine. Happy because of me.’_ “You’re a wonder,” he whispered.

His hand caressed Spock’s cheek, and Spock kissed its palm. Jim’s thumb delicately caressed his eyebrow. Spock raised it, and Jim pressed a kiss there. He smiled tiredly.

“Always dreamed to do that.”

Smiling, Spock touched the sweaty curl that hung in the middle of Jim’s forehead. He had had a small obsession with that curl since the first time he had seen it. He brushed it away from Jim’s face, but it bounced back to where it was.

“Fascinating.”

He kissed that curl, just because he could, and basked in Jim’s awe at the smooth flow of information between them.

Jim reached for the cup of water on the bedside table and they both drank from it.

“You’re in me. You’re still in me. My God, Spock.”

Jim rolled heavily to the side, mind struggling to process the idea. They moved under the covers, Spock thankful for the added warmth, then Jim curled himself over Spock, entwining their legs and resting a hand over his heart, mindless of the alarming amount of fluids all over them.

Jim laughed.

“Calm down, Mister.” He nuzzled his neck and Spock sighed, covering Jim’s hand with his and wrapping his free arm around his shoulders to pull him closer. “I’ll clean up in a moment, let me enjoy the afterglow.” He kissed Spock’s ear, making him shiver. “Never knew- never knew it’d be like this. You’re so-- so _close_ to me, so…” He shook his head, at a loss for words.

“It is the Vulcan way.” He felt insecure for a moment, the tangle of Jim’s feelings impossible to unravel just yet, with their bond so new. “Does it disturb you?”

“No, just--“ Spock opened his mouth, thinking he understood, but Jim anticipated him. “You know me better than anyone, Spock. I know that. But… my head hasn’t been a great place to be, since… since you left. Since I got promoted. I don’t-“

“Jim,” he said firmly, meeting his eyes. They were exhausted, and vulnerable. “I am your bondmate. It is my _privilege_ to partake in your every thought, no matter its nature. And it is my duty to heighten your joy and soothe your grief.” He smiled. “You are aware, of course, that duty is of the utmost importance to me, Captain?”

A small smile.

“Oh, I’m- I’m well aware, Mister Spock. I trust that you will do… a splendid job of it as always.”

Spock kissed the top of his hair and held him tighter. Jim relaxed against him, burying his face against Spock’s neck after a formidable yawn.

“Sleep for a time, my own. I will guard your dreams.”

“Hmm. T’lukh n’shveh k’dular”

Both of Spock’s eyebrows rose high.

“I cherish thee also, Jim.”

To think that Spock may never have known that happiness came in the form of slurred Vulcansu and his leg falling asleep under the weight of Jim’s. He hoped his life could be filled with it from then on.

**Author's Note:**

> The whole part where Jim and Spock discuss Spock's Time, the fact that Spock thought he felt the bond break, that when he said "I have killed my friend" he's saying t'hy'la in vulcan and T'Pau's reaction are from this post https://grumpybonesey.tumblr.com/post/183675521948/live-long-and-prosper-spock-i-shall-do by @grumpybonesey on Tumblr. I think it's a genius headcanon and I think about it all the time.
> 
> If you enjoyed the fic, please do consider leaving a comment. I publish my fic to share my stories with others, and it's extremely motivating to hear from you, especially if the fic is old! (Yes, even if it's many months or years old!) Any comments are deeply appreciated: an emoji, a keysmash, a gif, a "nice!" or "extra kudos!" brings me as much joy as a novel-length comment.
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


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